Random Access Memories

Sometimes I listen to music, and all I can think is "Fuck, I wish I was on drugs and was making music all of the time. I'd be so happy."

 You really think I wanted all that shit to happen, you piece of shit? You think I purposely go out of my way to find things to cry about? You really think I chose this life? Well, I've got news for you: I NEVER WANTED ANY OF THAT TO HAPPEN. I NEVER CHOSE BEING GAY, I NEVER DECIDED "Why, it's a beautiful day, and how about I be gay and be hated by the bigots worldwide!" I never fucking asked some fucker to lead me on for FIVE FUCKING MONTHS, and YES, I AM SINGLE AND DON'T KNOW ANY GAY/BI GUYS DESPITE LIVING IN THE SECOND HIGHEST GAY POP IN THE US. SO FUCKING WHAT. You think I want to be single on purpose? You think it's easy for me to get along with people? You think I've never been the outcast among fucking society? You really believe that I decided "Oh, cutting my wrists sounds like an absolutely wonderful idea!"? No, it was a terrible thing to do, I'm not going to pretend it was the best trip of my life going to that hospital, getting stitched up, being stuck playing chinese fucking checkers with some guy who hears voices and watching movies on controlling your fucking anger, and being stuck in my fucking room all day in absolute silence with white walls and a bed that would break my back every morning. STAY OUT OF MY SHIT. I don't nitpick at your life, so STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MINE. God damn, some people just don't know when to leave me alone.

 Don't mind this entry, just me being angsty and having a bad day.

Oh God, I just realized that today is the day that FINAL FANTASY XII comes out.. and the reviews of the game I've read say that, quite literally, it's one of the best examples of an RPG game. Must.. get... gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah... but so much work this week... worst timing I've ever seen. ;-;

I have a very high urge to draw furries, but before I do that I need to go over what happened yesterday and today. Well, I don't need to, per-se, but it's practically tradition for me.

Yesterday I had stayed up the previous night all night to do my art homework.. the coloring, as you see in my previous entry, just didn't go well with crayons. Staying up all night would have a drastic effect on me, but not until after school. Anyways, 6:15 came and I got my alarm off on the first buzz. I couldn't find anything to eat for breakfast(hot pockets were all gone) so I was having to deal with no food. Having not really eaten at all the previous day, I was pretty damn hungry.. but water at least helped dillude it. Despite this, however.. I went to the bus stop at the usual time(6:55), and the middle schooler wasn't there. Neither were the two at the curb not far from mine. My bus had come early, I guessed, so I had to wait for the bus I'm supposed to ride, bus 39. It took twenty minutes, and then another ten to get to school.

I rushed to the Algebra II class, got my test, and finished it. Most of the remaining questions weren't hard - they just took a little time. There's one I'm kind of doubtful of, but for the most part I'm pretty confident that test wasn't terrible at least. It took me well into homeroom time, though, so I didn't get to see Michael that morning. I got to my homeroom and as I handed the note to the homeroom teacher for her to make an excuse note for my teachers, the woman who asked if Erin was my girlfriend some time back recalled the event to me and asked if I was serious about my being gay. I said I was and that I am, and she was a little surprised but said "Oh, that's cool." A woman jumped in front of her(think she was one of the people Kenzie introduced me to back when I first went to the school) and said that she thought it was cool that I was straightforward about it and just said it, but that there was no way I was gay. Well, she's allowed to think whatever she wants.

The guy sitting behind me(damn it I need to remember his NAME) told me about the rumors with the whole guy bringing a gun to school and when I said yeah, that was me, he said he knew and he took out a recorder with a small output speaker. He apparently recorded some conversations about me and bringing a gun to school and why I would and stuff and laughed and let me listen to it. I didn't listen to a whole lot, since the bell rang pretty quickly, but what I heard was pretty funny. I wish I could remember specifically what some people said so I could type it on here, but I can't recall for the life of me. Still, it was pretty funny.

In World History, I got the work I needed to make up and we all worked on stuff. I asked the teacher about the german words, and I wrote one down, the one she used before. She couldn't decide if it was spelled Tchuss or Tschu(insert weird-looking B here), but now I know what it really looks like and now yall at least know too. She then tossed some other german words at me in glee, like.. uh, whatever fantastic is in German, along with other things. It made me grin because she likes to count to 20 in German and it reminds me of Mila.

Algebra II was... WEEEEEEE! *hardcore rave music has started playing* I.. uh.. can't bring myself to remember what happened in there. Oh yeah, that's because not much happened in there at all. We went to a new lesson and learned some of it, but only had half of class because Juniors had to go for the last half for "SELL MAGAZINES OMG" meeting in the auditorium. I sat with Kam, Erin, and Tiffany(totally different people all next to each other and conversing.. very interesting). I just kinda phased out most of the video, though the kid(couldn't have been older than 10) advertised it and started doing this.. rap video and.. I started wimpering with Kam and Tiffany and said "Wow, this really makes me want to step up(a phrase he used a lot for magazine selling)!" It was boring, and I swore up and down that I'd burn the magazine and the selling kit and stuff. I shall, too.. as soon as I figure out how to without being attacked by my neighbors. Anyways, that ended, and I was walking to Art II to drop off my backpack when Shawn walked to me and told me she slapped him and to ask her why, and then ran off. I walked up to Meredith in the hallway on the way to Art II and said loudly "MEREDITH WHY DID YOU MOLEST SHAWN?" and kept asking her while she denied it while we dropped off our bookbags until Mrs. Ramsey freaked out a little and told us to take the conversation outside.

So I get my lunch and sit down in the circle and continue to joking tell off Meredith for molesting Shawn very loudly. Of course I get knocked back when I was attacked back for masturbating in school and to save it for home(remember the whole red juice getting all over my hands that one day? yeah) and it was pretty funny. I was asked why I wasn't there yesterday, and I talked about how it wasn't the monster burger that did it, but the red beans and rice and to stay far away from them. Art II was painful with trying to catch up. I don't have any way to obviously catch up with them at home, so I had to kind of try to catch up in class. Obviously I'm still behind even now, but hopefully I'll get back in the groove.

I missed Michael on the way to English III unfortunately, but I still saw him later. English III was a real bitch. We were reading a story, and I was there for the first third.. they read the second third when I was gone, so I rushed and tried to catch up to them, reading both the second third and the final third AND do the worksheets all at once.. didn't work, and I think I failed the story test. She wouldn't permit I catch up. Rawr. Screw Schmidt.. the rest of it was the normal bore with me having much work to make up later. Nothing much happened there. Meredith said she'd meet me at the doorway, but when I went there she wasn't there, so I just pushed on after a few seconds(her classroom's literally next to the doorway, so the only way she couldn't be there is if she ran off) and met with Michael.

We walked to the Anime Club and met with Danielle and Kath. Michael and Danielle down at one end of a table, and I sat down diagonal from Michael on the other side next to Kam. I helped Danielle out with installing a video player on Mr. Spisak's laptop, and then we started the anime. I had trouble reading the lines due to the projector and sink and Kam in the way, so I moved to the end of the table(totally not to be closer to Michael, nope, definitely not... XD) and could see somewhat better. I talked to Michael and Kath as well as watched it.. it seemed really random for a while. Kath said that she came because she knew Danielle was there, and thus Michael was there, thus I was there, and she said that since her three friends were there she'd be there too. I just said that Danielle wanted me to come, and didn't say that it was also because Michael was there(though that might've helped hint something.. then again Danielle took care of that.. you'll see).

Michael for a while had his legs up against the desk since the poodle was about.. he really dislikes poodles thanks to bad previous encounters with poodles. Danielle was sitting on the desk behind and people moved around a bit and Danielle ushered me to sit down where she pointed so we'd be closer together(all of us, that is), which of course led to me being next to Michael while we were kind of watching the anime and seeing really odd scenes while talking about stuff like computers and other things. At one point in the anime a girl hugged a guy and the guy turned into a cat, and it was revealed that these three guys turn into animals if someone of the opposite sex hugged them or something, and when I asked about why just opposite that Danielle was just "Nope.. that's just how it works, for just opposite sex. So it'd be perfect for you.. and Michael... *grin*" Michael said he was lost, and I was just laughing and said it was probably for the best.

He laid on the floor at one point(pretty much everyone was moving around) and there was this fly flying around.. it landed next to his foot, and he stomped on it like three/four times.. we were somewhat certain it was dead after the fourth, but I guess not, because later on a fly was going all over the place and the corpse was gone. We were mystified by the zombie-fly. Somewhat near the end of the anime club time, Danielle started combing Michael's hair.. and then she got a band thing and gave Michael a pony tail.. he still had his side hair and I had to really, really, really struggle to not say how god damn cute he looked. In both the "Aww teddy bear hug!" way and "God DAMN man!" cute.. seriously, it was fucking crazy and I just told myself out loud a few times "Not.. going to say.. anything" while grinning. Kathy told me twice to just say it, but I didn't.

Danielle asked me to get her small backpack, and when I got up I kinda tripped over my chair on the way to get it. She took it out eventually, we all got ready to go and she finished combing his hair. On the way out, Danielle told me if I threw her in the concrete or did anything she'd break my balls, and I told her I didn't plan to. Michael and myself were talking of his computer as we walked out of the school, and Danielle/Kathy's cars were waiting for them so they left pretty quickly. So Michael and I were talking about stuff and I was describing my mom's jeep when it drove up. It was actually on time for once. There's a catch, of course - my mom's boyfriend was driving, not her, so there wasn't a chance for her to procrastinate. I told him yep, that was it, my mom got out and greeted me, and started working on getting the back seat set up.. her boyfriend, Krishna turned around and was trying to help from the front seat, and slammed his foot down on the gas, so there was this massive revving going on thanks to the gear being in park which scared the hell out of me.

We set it up, and I said bye to Michael. Shawn was sitting at a bench waaaaay across the school and was calling for me, so I ran to him really fast. He asked if my mom was here, and when I said yeah, he said nevermind and let me go. -_-; I ran back and Michael was in his dad's jeep which was there when we got there(his dad wasn't there). I wanted to run up and say bye to him again, but I didn't and just got in the blue jeep. I told my mom that was Michael, and she said she guessed as much. I talked about anime club a bit and Michael, and my mom said they should've just renamed it to Japan club.

After we got home, my mom and I ran off to Sam's.. I picked out some food there. All the while, I was VERY sleepy and tired and hungry, so my legs were starting to give out on me and occasionally I almost collapsed in the store. Unfortunately she didn't have money on her nor checks(she used her last one) and the card she had they didn't take.. so we just went home empty-handed and my mom ranting, and as soon as I got home I fell asleep in the bed and stayed asleep until 4 am the next morning. That's where today begins, and I'm leaving that for tomorrow.. this is long enough as it is and I need sleep! More things than that happened in Anime Club, but my mind's fuzzy and I can't remember all the details because I'm very sleepy.

But despite that day being crappy, because I got to be around Michael for an hour and a half in Anime Club I still considered it a good day and it kept my mood up the entire time. That makes me immensely happy. I wish I could tell him.. =/

( My school year was 22% exciting. Aka dull and sucked. Penis. )

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4:33 AM: A guy randomly out of the blue IM'd me on AIM. He lives in Virginia. We chatted for a bit, and he called me on my cell phone with the number on my myspace. We talked for a while. I said "Eh" a lot, so I'm guessing I'm tired. It was a good change to actually talk to someone other than my family members. He's on my friends list on livejournal now, so now another person reads my livejournal entries. Woo! The only reason I'm not just making all of my LJ posts public is that some things I type are better left not seen by.. say, school administrators. I don't need them using it against me like they do so much against myspace people. So if anyone is reading this and isn't on my friend's list, know that this and only a few mistake lj posts will be viewable unless you're added to my friends list. Trust me, I type a boatload, so what you do see is nothing. Sleep now!

( Personality quiz yay! )

Alright, I'm still in not much of a better mood thanks to that son of a bitch who killed the kitten in my previous post, but I'm going to type what happened anyways. Yesterday, at 8, my stepdad asked me if I wanted to come with them to get food at KFC and pick out a new TV at Wal-Mart. The current TV in the living room was having some serious issues, with no sound output and almost none of the ports in the back working, so the thought of being able to convince them to get an HDTV and play the 360 on it got a hold on me and I quickly agreed. I've seen my sister's boyfriend come over several times now, and while he really pisses me off by calling all the time(even at midnight/1 am) to talk to Sam, he's a good kid in person. He's 10 also, blonde with very short hair, and often seems to wear a football shirt with a random number on it. However, unlike some other rowdy football-goers, he's quiet and calm.. he's like the total opposite of my sister. My sister pretty much has complete control over him. If she wants to go somewhere, he wants to go. If she decides she's going to go play outside, he follows her. She occasionally asks him to do things(rather rudely, might I add) like pick up her stuff.. I don't like what my sister's becoming.

Anyways, he was there too. We first drove to the mall because my stepdad lost his cell phone a few days ago and needed a new one and didn't tell me. So I didn't bring my arcade coins.. however, my stepdad gave me two dollars, so while he was buying a phone me, my sister and her boyfriend(quiet if the grammar's wrong on that.. I never get those things right) went to the arcade in the mall. At this time, it was.. 8:40, I think, so the arcade wasn't to stay open long. I'm tired of saying her boyfriend, so now he'll be referred to by his name, Josh. I gave Samantha a dollar for her and Josh to use for coins on whatver, and I used the other dollar to get coins. Unfortunately the DDR machine was down for maintenance, but In The Groove 2 was up, so I waited for the two women to finish their game. They looked about a year younger than me. One was on easy(and kept getting 0% even though it looked like she tried and should've gotten waaaay more.. odd..) and the other was on medium and did pretty well. Then she switched to Robotix at hard and failed. Rofflecopter. After they played, I put in two coins and quickly started up with hard on one song. I immediately noticed that the buttons were indeed okay with sensitivity, but were not lowered at all.. which ended up with me hitting metal instead of actual arrows occasionally. After my second song, I was asked by the one that did medium how long I've been playing and if I have it at home, to which I replied I've been playing for about 3 1/2 months-4 months-ish and have it on the PC and on the xbox.

I then decided to challenge myself with something more interesting. I Picked Monolith on Hard. Right before I started the second song, a mexican woman started watching me from the glass wall right next to it. As I was doing the third song, I got a glimpse of the shock on her face. >_> Unfortunately, while I could sort of keep up with the song my feet kept going so far that they'd hit the metal and I'd never realize it, so I ended up failing it. It was still really fun. After that, I rushed because I knew they were about to close and wanted to try double. I failed the first song on medium.. bleh.. but I've only played twice before on double, so meh. Then I and my sister/Josh were ushered out. We walked back and they bought a phone a bit later. Then after leaving we stopped by McDonalds instead of KFC(my stepdad's wife told him time was short and to do McDonalds instead since it was faster). I got a grilled BLT sandwich that... surprisingly, wasn't half bad for McDonalds. They also had Powerade for a drink.. which was also awesome. They had a bar-like thing too, which just added to the cool-ness. So, McDonalds has improved a bit. Oh, and the fries taste better too. Still, doesn't mean the food is any good for anyone.

I finished my food somewhat quickly, but my stepdad got into a long conversation with his wife, so we still were there a little while. Right before we left... I forgot his name. Matt? From my Biology class said hi, and I asked what he was doing there. He asked what I was doing here, adding along "Surely not to eat here!" in which my stepdad replied "Oh yeah, he does occasionally eat, despite how he looks!" and such. I talked about how we were going to go to Wal-Mart, and we talked about getting a 58" plasma HDTV. He mentioned that there was a play called Beauty and the Beast at school tomorrow(today) at 2 and if I wanted I should come. I said sure, and we bid each other farewell. His hair was a little longer, which was pretty cool. He recognized me very quickly, which is surprising. But my hair is starting to cover my eyes again, so I suppose it's getting more easy to recognize me. It was neat to see him again. It's always fun to run by people from High School on chance events. We went to Wal-Mart, and got a 27" HDTV that was $348. Very nice price, very good quality. Unfortunately, my stepdad's wife is fucking ignorant and said no video games could be plugged into it because the 360 destroyed the other TV. It wasn't the 360, the damn TV sucked in the first place and its backboard was loose, I explained. My stepdad joined in with me, but nah, she wouldn't have it. And so my stepdad let her walk all over us and have her way. He has been suddenly letting her walk all over everyone as of late.. starting to be just like my biological dad is with his wife, letting her have control over what he does/thinks even though he knows he's right.. though maybe that could finally put him in his place and stop thinking he's perfect.. rawr..

That sucker was heavy, and barely fits in the entertainment center, but was worth it. I plugged the 360 into it at some point during the night while they slept anyways, because I know I'm right in this case and what she doesn't know won't hurt her. Video games do NOT damage TVs in ANY way. But I won't rant a lot on it. It is beautiful on it. Being as it replaced the TV before it in the living room, the TV was moved to my room to replace the tiny TV. After smacking it a few times, all of the sudden the entire thing works. Sound comes out, the ports in the back work, it's as if nothing ever happened to it. So, it worked out in the end for me anyways, since I can still play games on there.

Today I've been in a very long trance state... I'm also extremely depressed. Nothing worth doing. Nothing at all. Feels like there's no reason to do anything. Driving me crazy.

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Oh my god update! I went to Wal-Mart at 10 to get my mom a mothers day gift, and my stepdad said it'd be a good opportunity for me to get some new clothes. Most clothes were very big for me and sucked, but some were okay/pretty good, if a little big. One shirt I picked out looked REALLY tight, but gray and.. I just wanted to get it. I just tried it on. Best shirt ever. It's one of my favorite shirts now. It's VERY tight, but it feels so comfortable and cool.. it's like a glove on my chest, almost feels like I'm not wearing a shirt at all. Not some slab of cotton hanging on me, but an extension of myself. It makes me look so skinny.. which I am. :D The sleeves are just a little loose, but I love this shirt. I'd get a full body shot of myself or two to show just what I mean, but I can't.. stupid webcam. So here's 7 pics that are the best I can do. I look tired in them, but it's 3:46 am.. what do you expect? o.O

( Read more... )

http://www.sltrib.com/business/ci_3482712

I think we've just found the modern-day penicillin. Aka, the wonder drug of today.

PIZAZZ PIZAZZ CMON WERE GONNA GIVE IT TO YA
PIZAZZ PIZAZZ COME OOOOOOOOON
PIZAZZ PIZAZZ CMON WERE GONNA GIVE IT TO YA
PIZAZZ PIZAZZ COME OOOOOOOOON

LOOKING AROUND FOR THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE
WHO COULD HE BE I'M SURE WE'LL HAVE LOTS OF FUN
CRUISING AROUND FOR AN AWESOME PARTY
PIZAZZ WILL BE THERE AND SHOW YOU THE WAY
THE PLACE WILL BE BUMPING AND THE GUYS'LL BE NICE
IT'S 11 O' CLOCK AND WE'RE READY TO FLY
HERE'S THE BEST PART AND WE'RE TELLING YOU WHY

PIZAZZ PIZAZZ CMON WERE GONNA GIVE IT TO YA
PIZAZZ PIZAZZ COME OOOOOOOOON
PIZAZZ PIZAZZ CMON WERE GONNA GIVE IT TO YA
PIZAZZ PIZAZZ COME OOOOOOOOON

PIZAZZ PIZAZZ CMON WERE GONNA GIVE IT TO YA
PIZAZZ PIZAZZ COME OOOOOOOOON
PIZAZZ PIZAZZ CMON WERE GONNA GIVE IT TO YA
PIZAZZ PIZAZZ COME OOOOOOOOON

http://cgi.ebay.com/Frank-the-Bunny-Latex-Halloween-Mask-Donnie-Darko_W0QQitemZ5601231481QQcategoryZ1469QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem
!

[00:02] dassloth: I must have Brin.
[00:06] dassloth: I want to kinky sex with Brin

Eh.. this livejournal entry is just dedicated to my new avatar. School out in 8 days.